Sunday, August 23, 2009

Seagulling the Gullable - The Holy Scripture

Definition:

Seagulling - the act of ejaculating in one's own hands and then immediately applying the sperm to someone else's face, by throwing, slapping, or wiping. Currently only appliable for the male human species.

The 7 Commandments:

1. Worship your body, for it is your ocean. Eat food that make your semen smelly, like asparagus and onions. Alcohol and various drugs prolong the cumming time. Avoid them. They are the enemy. A seagull is a bird of swiftness and precision.

2. Avoid masturbation and/or sexual intercourse a week before the scheduled seagulling. You must keep your reservoirs full for the bird show.

3. Keep your testosterone level high. Blue balls-high. That means indulging in obscene amounts of Steven Segal movies. May be substituted for Bruce Willis or other badass movies. Avoid Meg Ryanesque movies like the plague.

4. Do not wear underpants. Wear running shoes and comfortable pants. After the act of seagulling - you are the ultimate victor. Nothing left to prove. No act is so challenging/humiliating as the act of seagulling. It's a monstrous upgrade of the medieval glove-slap. It is expected that the segullee will get the tremendous urge to destroy the seaguller. Running away is more honorable way than Steven-Segaling the victim. Don't be fooled by the alliteratic similarity between seagulling and Steven-Segaling.

5. If by some unexpected planetary-alignement shitapalooza, the female victim enjoyed being seagulled - marry her. She is a whore with a sense of humor and women don't come in a better package than that. If, on the other hand, the male seagulee seems pleased, Gull forbid, you are advised to Steven-Segal him. He is a perverted homo and taints the wonderful gullable race of humans. The main objective of seagulling is fun, not inciting sexual perversions.

6. Worship St. Icarus, also known as The Great Gull. He left us valuable knowledge that we, as men, are not able to multitask, and therefore are not able to fly and wank at the same time. That is, until a member of our respected society invents an auto-piloted flying device. From which point on, we will begin to apply the legendary Icarus Attack. One day, my protein-spreading brothers, one day.

7. Execute the sacred act of seagulling as close to perfection as possible. You are advised to caress your bird unnoticeably with one hand in your pocket - a sport called the Pocket Billiards. When you approach the moment of inevitable ejaculation, quickly drop your pants, monstrously cum in your hands, and start spreading the love. After the sweet, sticky victory, refer to the 4th and the 5th Commandments. Bye-bye glue-face or hello Mr. Panda-goggles.

The 3 Mortal Sins

1. Do not seagull a brother Gull, unless in a holiday-feature match in one of our specially designed Brotherhood of Gull battle arenas.

2. Do not fail to execute the holy sacrament of seagulling on the only Gull holiday - your own birthday.

3. Do not seagull children, sick people, or animals. If a being is not physically capable of kicking your feathers and/or chasing you, it is like taking an anchovy from a baby seagull. It just isn't gool.

Membership Information:

If you wish to become the official member of the great Brotherhood of Gull, you will have to send us a video of the holy deed to brotherhoodofgull@gull.com. Button cameras work best - you will never regret that investment, and we have a special Beginner's Package available at our website www.brothergull.com, which includes everything you need for a perfect start in the world of Gull. Official badges (available in ivory and gooey-green) and membership cards are sent monthly, upon membership approval.

Happy seagulling, caaaa, caaaa!

4 comments:

  1. I'm masturbating with my right hand and typing this with my left. What do I seagull? Should I smear your lovely blog with my salty jizz? Is that what you want?

    Hilarious. Make it a short story. I want a whore and a male slut living in a sweaty hamster shack in Germany, getting dirty.

    P.S. In Scotland, "seagulling" means trying to kill seagulls with a football. Fact.

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  2. How the hell do you hit a seagull with a football? Is that the American football football - the brown, egg-shaped one or the European - the white, spheric one? Is that a national sport? Just wait until the Scottish brothers have had enough. They'll paint the world gooey!

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  3. Young ruffians tease birds with bread, while their friends boot the (spherical) football into the beaks of unsuspecting gulls. A most unpleasant act.

    Let's just stick to coming in the faces of hookers.

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  4. The Great Gull will punish them. Fools.
    Right you are, let's stick the hookers.

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